This had to be done... There aren't enough cynics around

How to be a vigilante

After a playful banter turned into a banal mood killer, I did some serious thinking- just as I sipped Appy fizz and watched re-runs of Doctor Who-not quite burning the midnight oil, but certainly burned a couple of wires in the inverter. The only reason I still believe that I was not a target of the then Anti-Vishwaroopam propaganda was that power was down in a couple of blocks around my place and let’s face it, I can hardly convince my parents to vote for that party I support. Having realized that I was no enemy of the state, I was lost in the fizz.

It is every kid’s dream… Although the odds of being bitten by a radioactive spider are just as high as speedy justice in India, every child that grew on a staple diet of Marvel and DC comics would have wanted to fight crime at some point and do cool acrobatic stuff. Sadly, the innocence is lost the moment our education system forces them to vomit what Newton said and with that the only villain they want to fight is the system. Sadly, they move over to the ‘dark side’ the moment they are allotted a college to do their ‘education’.
        Every movie in the last decade that had a vigilante as the lead follows a template: The Push, The Change, The Act and The End. Since most of our friends believe that movies can be extrapolated to real life and to real scenarios, it is time for an extrapolation and should anyone be pushed over to the Rebel Alliance, it should be noted that, well, you are screwed.

It can be anything: an angry girlfriend, an arrogant boss, public displays of affection, corruption, lethargy, any of the seven sins, something personal, or simply because you are bored.

Since time immemorial, vigilantes have an alter-ego. Keep it simple to merge with the common man. You can use a mole or a moustache or even a spectacle with very low refractive index. That will come in handy during the final act.
          Now for the ‘persona’... A mask and a cape always come in handy. When it comes to underwear, never go the Superman way. It is downright offensive and punishable under Cr.P.C 146 (f) (iii). Use a catchy name but kindly don’t go for the shock factor. There is a thin line between awesomeness and outright stupidity often we tend to cross the line when inspired.
         Use a simple weapon, not everyone can afford an iron-man suit. Any attempt at self-exposure to a heavy dose of gamma radiation won’t serve your purpose unless you want to die of cancer.

                One of our revenge cum rape specialist director was no specialist when it came to logical thinking, coming to think of it, thinking of any kind was conspicuous by its absence in his films. In one of his cameos as a ward boy, he intercepts the hero, who is now masquerading as a psychiatrist and the following conversation ensues:

                Ward Boy: Doctor, are you Dr. Xyz?
                Hero: Yes
                W.B: But you have an appointment only tomorrow….?
                Hero: Tomorrow I have to perform an emergency surgery.

The director opens the door and the bad guy is killed. While the above conversation is fraught with inexplicable lunacy, the movie panned out to be a hit. Sadly, in reality, this won’t work. So you got to refine your act. Keeping your senses open is important, but not as important as having common sense.

Work on basic movies at least to defend yourself against a noob. If you get your weapon part right (like a light-saber) that is a pro just like how knowing some ancient Mongolian ninja art is . You can build your reputation by taking on harmless victims-petty thieves and lovers on the park-their guilt might help you.

It is just a matter of time… you will become a menace-if you aim to be a scorpion, odds are you will be as big a nuisance as Aedes aegypti. Anyway, it is always better if you turn yourself in, that way you would be technically undefeated. Timing is important; you can do a ‘Peter Parker’ here, record your acts of valour and mail it to all news channels. If your costume offends someone, it is free publicity. You will become a national sensation.

Now, you surrender-preferably to a top cop. Request your hearing to be televised. Although the chances of you getting a ‘Shankaer-esque’ “we want him as our CM/PM/ President” chants from public are as bright as Indian Women Cricket’s future, you can always do a “power star” and have your friends talk you up.

Sadly, the acquittal works only in movies or if you are a politician. Once in prison (don’t expect a high security facility) make friends, write a memoir and get it published. That way, once you are out, you have the foundation for a bright political/ criminal career.

P.S: An edited version of this entry appeared on The Hindu NxG dated 14/2/2013...can be seen here
                                                                                   Check out the FB page here