This had to be done... There aren't enough cynics around


The most recent assault on common sense started as an article in The Hindu. Following the IIT confessions, a dozen other ‘confession’ pages sprouted in less than the doubling time of E. coli. With more proposal and confession pages set to traumatize people with stories which bear striking resemblance to girls in Facebook-some are good some are bad but most are fake, we need to gear up. Even as we speak, we find the same stories appearing in MMC confessions, IIT confessions and Mariyamma Tech. Confessions. So much for original experiences…

Sadly for me, 5.5 years (and the 16 before it) were devoid of any events that are worth confessing. So while rummaging through the confessions, I found that there was this common thread running through. Apart from the usual pranks like ragging, copying in exams bunking classes, writing letters to Vice Chancellors, almost every ‘love story’ had the same opening sequence, intermission, climax and denouement. Sadly, most denouements were statements that denounced ‘love’. With a scorn at detractors that say movies use a clichéd template, here goes the story that is so run out of the mill that it is finer than the fine prints in ICICI insurance (I know that is not what it means).

It all starts with the meeting. Whether it is Boy meets girl or girl meets boy, this is followed by a sequence of coincidental meetings that are planned. This follows a phase where the parents go bonkers about the phone bill. Also, the conversation pattern starts with a sensibility index of 50 (out of 100k) goes through phases of 25, 10 and the last 5 hours are utter garbage that Sigmund Freud called psychopathia moronalis. Usually conversations involve sweet nothings although nothing is sweet about them. This leads to the stage Dr. Edwin Van der Sar calls Parasitic stage.

The male (on rarest of rare occasions, the female) becomes a host. Jobs like recharge, buying samosa in canteen, driving, dropping, writing records, buying fruits, buying ration sugar, AMMA canteen sambhar sadham, losing savings all come under the purview of ‘duty’. Next, the host is lured into believing that there is a future, making the host lose any semblance of sensibility that might have been. It is at this point we have the parasite ‘friend-zone’ the host. Eventually, the parasite trades for a better host and names its progeny in loving memory of the by now dead-living first host. The sad part is, this is not the saddest part of the love story. The parasite then comes up in the confession page and pleads guilty! Enna koduma saravanan ithu?

                I am actually glad that there was no proposal page when I was an UG… Pretty sure the whole thing would have been a messy masquerading party and someone would have become a serial killer. Having said that, in all honesty, seeing people come up with cheesy proposals and soup songs that are reminiscent of a very poorly made Sandra B movie (ethu? ellame), I have never more been proud of my (by choice) single status.

                Still, there were two awesome stories. One involved a professor who returned a ten rupees note used as a bit in an exam to the same student after years (Arunachalam Visu unga onnu vita unclea?). And then kudos to the bro that befriended his sister’s friend in the hope of winning over the latter’s sister and eventually ended with the younger sister of the target he had in mind all along… Nee nadigan da…Divya pona enna Trisha unakku than…

                Oh, and happy women’s day….