This had to be done... There aren't enough cynics around


As a connoisseur of good cinema nothing upsets you more than misplaced appreciation. For instance, we had people rave about this particular movie about a mentally challenged hero raising a cute child. For starters, given that the movie’s idea, the hero’s costume and a few scenes were directly lifted from the English original, neither the maker nor the actor had the right to go all ‘I got this idea while eating biriyani in Buhari’ or say ‘I observed the challenged kids for months’. But they did and we had everyone go gaga over a movie that totally violated our culture.

For starters, just imagine the reverse scenario. A girl with a very very sub-par IQ is impregnated by a rich dude. That would be fodder for decades for our fourth estate. Would that not be in accordance with section 375 of IPC? How can a mentally challenged person give consent to…how do I put it without offending the prude guys of our society…hmm... ah… get married? Moving past the plagiarism crap that has rained on us for decades and has lead to the mushrooming of more uncouth film-makers who went so far to exhibit their intellect that they said <warning euphemism ahead> all assistant directors were fit to get diabetes, cataract, nervous breakdown, peripheral neuropathy and anemia (in accordance with the 'teachings' of a famous midnight TV doctor).

The sad part is these guys have actually made stalwarts look like dunces. Take for instance a scene in a movie about a mirudhanga vidhwan . The climax forces him to go against his son in a contest to see who ripens the banana (or was it jackfruit?) by playing their respective instruments. The hero dies after suffering a stroke. But the sad part was, he could have been saved. All those exaggerated facial contortions were exceptionally reminiscent of an ongoing vascular process. Any doctor worth his salt would have intervened right before the first fruit ripened. But no... The director settled for the illogical painful death. And don’t even get me started on the antics of a rather old gentleman doing pelvic thrusts with namma mayilu in garish coatson a rather rainy day in the movie and a cloudy day for Indian Cinema. Narayana…

One of the common climactic lead up is kidnapping (long before kidnapping became cool). We had an epic movie where the twins’ dad and mom are kidnapped. Oh wait…another doubt. Having the same guy play siblings is partially acceptable. But making the same dude play the dad…?? That just brings disrepute to the family in question. Anyway, here the siblings inexplicably decide to make what is supposed to be a tense ride into a joy ride. They sing, jump on one another and almost forget that their parents are a 2 mile fuse away from death. After a painfully constructed song, all ends well- not for the viewer who is presented with world class over acting from a man whose superlative abilities and acumen are beyond questioning-at least beyond the purview of these movies he was put through.

Then we have had heroes (literally) move train compartments by forcefully patting their thigh. We have seen them in very poor make up trying to ape the Indian old dad (and fail miserably) fight bulldozers and aliens. There is another immortal scene where a guy forces a horse to skid beneath an oncoming lorry. How that scene didn’t evoke protests from PETA and the likes thereof is a million dollar mystery. But then again none of them came to our rescue when we were subject to some cruel experiments in the name of ‘global cinema’. The less we talk about the antics of a then ‘kid’ who mouthed chaste Tamil addled with alliterations and similes that made little sense, the better. Then we had heroes tell heroines (who incidentally had just returned from England or US) what defined a ‘good woman’ and then went on to defile her honor by getting all handsy in the routine rain song.

 Given the number of botched up attempts to get a girl, one would hope the ‘bad guy’ learns his lesson. Hell no. Although one does question the sanctity of the lead pair’s relationship given their PDAs are good enough to put both behind the bars (not the one where you can get drunk. more), we still root for the lazy, unemployed dude that behaves irresponsibly, especially given the other guy vying for her is educated and probably from the USA. Is the complex of the directors playing a big part here?

Last but not the least… Every guy that has bashed up 75 villains and has saved India from bakesthani deevirawadis in 15 movies and has been a robin-hood-esque outlaw in a dozen movies ends up having a million fans whose otherwise smart senses get cloudier than England when a match is to be played there, when it comes to taking criticism. You cannot bash up 23 guys who stand in a file as while you waltz past them in your moped and expect to be praised. You can’t mouth unquotable crap and call it a punch line and not get mocked for it.

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