This had to be done... There aren't enough cynics around


....Types of Patients and how not to deal with them

By the beginner, for the beginner off the records...(excluding the actually, really sick ones)

1.       The English Patient
                The only reason this person found his way into the government hospital was because a) he was too drunk to recognise it b) he knows someone here. As the latter falls under a different category, we focus on the former. He communicates ‘only in Anglish’ and professes ignorance of Tamil... Although basically from Kakkiwadanpatti, he still hasn’t grown out of the glow in his daddy’s face when he recited Jhonny Jhonny Yes Pappa...  Dude... you can converse in Latin... but that does little to alter your treatment or the opinion.
2.       The Lover
                He/She comes having incised the forearm as superficial as the OGcian’s knowledge on Medicine or having consumed 0.000005 micro L of innocuous substances or having gulped 2 litres of the most toxic rat/ant/cockroach/snake/dinosaur killer. The former constantly use words like ‘True Love’ or ‘Heart’ and annoy the crap out of you. But the true physician in you comes to the fore as you suture the wounds having given the local anaesthetic despite every fibre crying not to. Nee nallavan da...
3.       The Convert
                Women... Hysteria is no longer considered a diagnosis... It is Conversion reaction instead. So all Gangas fully turn into Chandramukhis and give the performances of their lifetime. It is usually a stomach condition or an alleged history her story of an assault with no clinical or radiological evidence of any injury. Once the act is confirmed, a 30 minute wait (where sustenance of the performance becomes difficult for want of audience) or a Ryle’s tube usually makes the laka-laka kala-kala.
4.       The Know-it-All
The other group knows people... from the ward attenders to the consultants... whether or not the people in question reciprocate the knowledge of these folks’ existence is a different question... but you gotta admit them in the ward, or else, they will rain all history and geography on you and you have neither the time or the interest...
5.       The Attender
                They accompany the actual sick ones and find two folks sitting in a chair and doling out medical advice to deaf ears and do, ‘WTF, I’m bored’... The complaints start with a low back ache which takes more turns than a politician and settles in the head. They are never convinced of their health and a mere reassurance will never do and unless you decide to admit them when all the complaints fly away... just like that.
6.       The Sardonic One (Excluding Risus Sardonicus)
                The usual and now common Google Educated self diagnosing physicians who are convinced they have Crohn’s disease. Web MD always diagnoses it as Crohn’s. They mostly converse only in English and it takes all your patience and the time of a couple of other patients to explain to them they are 18 and they are not going to die tomorrow because they haven’t shat in 4 hours. And all your responses are met with a ‘really’... Really Annoying..
7.       The Chosen One
                They come not with a complaint, but with their designation and an accomplice to reinforce their statues... They are the Chief Minister’s grand Uncle’s neighbour’s daughter’s driver or the 143532th in line to become a judge/commissioner... They expect you to do ‘a complete examination’ because they ‘are here’. Once given the news that their prostate is indeed enlarged, they are happy but with undeniable tears...
8.       The Doctor
                The doctors make the worst patients... They have enough knowledge (OGcians’s excuse... rather excuse the OGcians) and can be intimidating... The best you can do is referring them to a senior for all you know; no physician is convinced that the first line is the best line...

Written with no intention malign anyone's suffering or mock anyone... Purely from an observational point of view with no intention to offend anyone, especially OGcians


Karen Xavier said...

hahaha, pretty hilarious... I liked this ' it takes all your patience and the time of a couple of other patients' ... funny.
Anyway, did you see the movie 'Hysteria', talks about the same thing... and the treatment lead to the invention of ... okay, watch the movie.

Sai Sriram said...

Nope, haven't seen the movie... but having read the wiki page, I am pretty sure there will be a review soon, Torrentz willing...