This had to be done... There aren't enough cynics around

Why You Never Won

On Why People Fail…

                No, this is not some inspiring piece of work (which you can share in FB) to help you picky yourself up after being dumped because your shirt was ‘too blue’… This is an in depth analysis of how and why people with 2 dozen henchmen and the Government machinery in their hands often lose out to a skinny youth in ragged jeans… We have seen the mighty fall… Be it Lord Voldemort or Kota Srinivasa Rao or the gazillion folks in Dr Vijay’s films… after spending 23 years analysing the events, here are the results (this is submitted as a part of the requirement of the National Board in awarding the degree)

The Hair
                It all starts with a woman… You see her, fall in love, she asks you if you don’t have sisters, you kidnap her (all the while maintaining dignity-never has a baddie danced in the streets of Switzerland with a skimpily clad female and manhandled her-offending Indian Cinema and Indian women simultaneously)… You can solve this entire problem by cutting your hair short… Given the current crop of duded gals fall far, given your wallet, a mere redo of your hairdo will do to do <censored>… You can thus avoid the hero and all issues (avoiding the whole street dancing and manhandling stuff)

The Reveal
                You have him cornered… You are damn sure your men will do their job when you go to press that big red button to destroy the earth… While admiring your confidence, I am a tad worried about revealing your plans and ‘the only way to stop it’ to the tied hero… Nope, not a word… For all he knows you are going to the grocer to buy Amma Water. That way, he cannot stop you in the nick of time… Also, never have the green button/ wire that can undo all your deviousness… Saves you time… And never trust the chick that dances semi naked in your parties with your plans… she is the hero’s ex (willing to die for him) or a cop (?!) in disguise.

The Henchmen
                Your major worry… You pay them, feed them and the only way they repay you is by saving money on the hair-cuts… Teach them some basic formations… Seriously, 17 vs one is not tough… Tel them to go all at once and use the gun with a view… They have been bad shots… worse than Kangana’s photo shoots… No more scalpels or sickles and train them to fight to kill and don’t vent out your anger at them… No killing off messengers with bad news… Bad for their morale… Add salt in their food (s imply for emotion)

The Delay
                You have him tied… You have a gun in your hand… For the love of God, plant one between his eyebrows (a bullet) and then one on her lips (your choice of weaponry). Dilly dallying or parading your strengths is outright stupidity and has been the downfall of everyone from Nambiyaar to Bond Villains. This also obviates the sentiments and god-awful punch lines.

The Common Man
                These are the folks that usupethify and make the useless roadside Romeo into your nemesis. Don’t scare them, too much. Give them free re-charges and wif-fi connection… There will never be a mutiny or the “Itha thatti kekka yaarume illaya” dialogues…

Too much pollution
                 Ever wonder why the elements save the hero? It rains when you wanna burn him, The wind brings him from 60 feet underground and helps him leap longer than Anju Bobby (not much of a thing, but I am being accused of misogyny). Ever wondered why? It is Mother Earth’s vengeance for your 2 dozen SUV routine… Why do you need that many vehicles…? The petrol… The noise… Cut on that and plant trees, the hero will never come out of the nature’s traps you lay for him.


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