This had to be done... There aren't enough cynics around


This had to be done for two reasons. For starters, as a best-selling author, I was offended by a review written by this random dude that is just plain bitter and unfunny. Secondly, I am that uncouth dude and so in order to settle the conflict between the author and the critic, I had to summon my inner unagi and deal with both of them so that I could continue to spread positivism, much like that pony we had earlier mentioned in that vile review. For that journey of self-realization, I decided to take a flight to the United Kingdom as at this very moment, they are the friendliest folks to foreigners in their land. <Charges will be billed to the admin of the group that was responsible for the publication>

As you would expect, the only way I was ever going to be seated next to a 22/F was if my seat was 22/E, so I was not all that positive as I once again re-re-re-re-read the greatest story ever written for an anthology since Edgar Allen Poe’s ‘The Black Cat’ in the American Gothic tales. Sure, it wasn’t in the purest form as written by the genius that the author actually is (rumors hold that his IQ is 866 and that he never sleeps and can survive on just air for 54 years). I am sure he would have been upset that his tribute to James Joyce was desecrated much like how the now maligned reviews desecrated the holiest and most wholesome contribution to English literature since Valmiki’s Epic Mahabhart. Nevertheless, each word conveyed more than all the interpretations of Iraivi put together and for that, I am sure that the author will get a Tony Award this year.

Eventually, the empty seat was occupied by this average looking lady who immediately identified me and was all excited. Sure, things like that are pretty common for a best-selling author like yours humbly not. Apparently, this lady is an actress. She said she played the role of this young witch in a moderately successful adaptation of the drivel cooked up by one of my most vocal fans, JKR. I think she introduced herself as Emila Watson… Anyway, she had (obviously) read the story and was fascinated by it. Apparently, WB are planning to make 7 full length movies based on the short story and she wondered if 16 hours would suffice to convey with clarity the true meaning of the epic prose.

Sure, she had gone through other stories and was willing to play Milk and that she felt would help her win an Oscar like Sean Penn. I corrected her that my old buddy Sean won a Pulitzer for that movie. Anyway, we discussed about the underlying themes like identity and the issue of naming and naming the names and how Bangalore and IT companies were like the avengers and trouble- they attract each other and then finally a city is totally destroyed. Just as we were about to land, we learnt that the English Football team, having just heard about the Brexit polls, exit the Euro Championships.  

She bid a teary goodbye and luckily for her, my pre booked car was not available so I had to take an auto from Heathrow to Teynampet Signal. She kept on giving me chocolates and saved the wrappers and complained how her father, a banker didn’t get along with her boyfriend, an army bloke. I suggested that she put both of them in a room with an Indian and flood it. That would unite them. The auto was driven by a familiar face and upon probing, he revealed himself to be John Grisham. After having read my review of The Rainmaker, he had given up writing and was now an autowala. That was when the critic in me cried. He cried so hard that London was almost flooded and the rats were all dead and London dry washed her husband, Matt Erialism.

With the guilt trip done and the critic subdued, the author in me rejoiced but there would always be a snide remark just round the corner. That had to be addressed. That night, as the critic was ready to sleep, a note was delivered to him by a lady in a helicopter with a beautiful name. The note had the most beautiful poem ever penned since John Keats’ "Birds" <Birds can fly/ We cannot Fly/ If we try/ We will Die (ezhuseer kazhinediladi aasiriya virutham)>.

“My language is decent
And my thinking is clear
If you can’t stand it
<****> yourself in the rear”

And now, the critic is on a break for a week… Oh, he has duties and stuff… So Make it 2 ;)

P.S: This is the first and probably last time that I have written two posts in a day... It was because the previous post made my manaseega guru wonder if i had outsourced the blog. This is to prove my integrity and vetti thanam

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