This had to be done... There aren't enough cynics around

Rajali- Movie Review

                From the team that gave several unforgettable classics that would put Michael Cimino to shame comes yet another tale inspired by the western world and inspring the western world in equal measure. In this tale of “Indian” aa Jones, we have Napolean (Neps) wearing a fedora and staring into the camera wearing an absolutely ridiculous smile as music, clearly borrowed from the 1960s English porn plays in the background. An expedition to find out an immeasurable treasure (something like Apollo’s lyre or files making Apollo a liar) starts the movie. The crew consists of Neps, SSR, the early human version of Tamraj Kilvish (I know, shocking, right), for some strange reason, Neps’ pregnant wife and for even stranger reasons, baby Neps.

                As you would expect, Kilvish kills everyone, well, except baby Neps (thank you scriptwriters and Rajali) and proclaims himself the Mola Ram of the village and adopts his weird head gear and baby Neps, who grows up to be the savior of the masses. A battered SSR, the man with the last piece of the map to the treasure is taken up prisoner and is interrogated with enhanced techniques but he doesn’t relent ensuring that for 20 years (also Neps’ age in the movie) the plot remains stagnant, ironically like the screenplay for the entire movie. A tween Neps, sporting a high school girl scout’s uniform (or the Irish pee-pee player’s dress, your views, your take) falls in love with a rebel’s daughter while Tamraj Kilvish goes on a raping spree.

                In this movie, Rajali is like what blood is to the OGcian… It is the answer to all questions including WTF is going on.  The island is called Rajali Island, the hero is called Rajali, their God is Rajali and heck, even Simbhu races with… oops. Enter, a pair of lovelorn folks in matching shirts, pants, belt and socks and shoes…  Their item number irritates the crap out of the natives who kill them. This leads to the tourism department wondering why the tourist numbers are dwindling and the dead bodies are increasing, without making the obvious connection. They instead propose to create the Baywatch club, minus Ms Bleeth and Ms CJ but instead we have Ramki and vintage 80s Italian porn BGM. We have Silk, Disco Shanthi and another lady and a scene where there is girl on girl CPR in reverse cowgirl position edited out.

                We also have Roja, introduced in a scene reminiscent of the classic drinking game in the Raiders of the Lost Ark movie. With all these intros and one hour over, we jump right into the plot without further ado. Neps finds out that, after a rape involving an extra and Trump hair sported by Kilvish, that, Tamraj Kilvish is a bad and SSR, in captive, gives Neps the missing link and exposition. Empowered by the truth, Neps transforms from 9th iskool girl uniform to The Man with No Name  (The Good in The Good, The Bad and the Ugly) aided by dirty jeans, a haircut and a fedora. In the mean time, Mansoor Ali Khan playing the Bad and the Ugly and also the murai maman of Roja (both rekindling their relationships from Asuran) enters and kidnaps Roja and is on a quest to find the treasure. Also, aided by an age old photo of Daddy Neps et al, Now grown up Baby Neps and Ramki, looking for Roja, make peace and start looking for the treasure…

                 Yada Yada Yada, an uncomfortable truce between The Good, The Bad the Ugly and Ramki ensues and after reentering the cave Indy found the Last Chalice, they use innovation to beat the word puzzle segment (use a stick to find out the solid bricks, take that Stevie Spie) stealing a big chunk of Sengal, believing it to be a diamond, Mansoor, the voice of the director ensures they are all caught by Kilvish. Obviously, the diamond is not the treasure and after using Roja (SSR’s daughter), the villains try to enter the kingdom of the crystal skull, which is revealed by light being converted into horrible CGI by the Sengal, which is probably the Black Monolith of this movie. They are instead killed as all the good guys escape that rolling stone set piece from The Lost Ark. Despite having more skin show from the women than what Aamir Khan and Suriya (not SJ) show in their movies, this movie failed to set the box office on fire mainly because of all the money they spent on fedoras and hence we didn’t get a sequel, but I am sure Irumbukottai Murattu Singham is a spiritual sequel.

To see the movie, go here

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